I don’t know to do with this
So, I’m visiting Aunt June and she is not engaging. Like. Pretty close to ignoring me. Like. The TV is on, at 81 volume, and I am sitting next to her and her eyes are fixed on the TV. When I try to start of conversation during the commercials, she turns her head slowly to me with a horror movie character blank stare. I can’t tell if she’s kidding, irritated or has lost her mind. All of which are perfectly reasonable options in an edlercare setting.
I, as is my bent, choose to stare back with a smile until she smiles too. But I am uneasy. I can’t get a handle on what is happening.
In my version of the Sandwich, I am not really a caregiver, I’m a care provider. Because we live thousands of miles apart, my job is to pay bills, stay in touch with the caregivers and the eldercare facility and call Aunt June to make sure she knows I love her.
I am, in essence, a problem solver. And a friend.
So what do you do, when your friend doesn’t seem to want anything to do with you? Google and I landed at one of my favorite sights Agingcare.com. There’s a large section of questions and answers that I’ve found can be very helpful. The answers are part venting, part metoo, and part suggestions/solutions. I find I need to be in the right frame of mind to go on a sight like this because sometimes the me too and story sharing is just depressing. It’s nice to know you’re not alone, but a nightmare to know that this problem will never go away.
As usual, though, in the middle of all the responses I found some answers that I think I can work with.
- I’m not visiting her for me. It’s about her. So whatever response she gives is the right response.
- Remember that Aunt June is both VERY Aunt June and NOT Aunt June at all. Boredom, an aging brain, and the self centered-ness that come with self preservation means she’s not really a person who can follow social mores and expectations. Her job is to be alive.
- My job is to love her in any condition.
So for today, I may try muting the TV during the commercials. I might just try “being” with her. I might try pretending to “be” her…. what does my world look like and how can I make it a lovely place.
I’m also going to pray. I know not all of you do that. I’m just saying… being still and clearing my mind and believing that I’m here to provide love might give me the patience to stop trying to fix things and start just being present.
With love-
Christine