It All Started in the Middle

As much as I love the Sound of Music, I don’t think starting at the very beginning is always the best place to start. With my mom, our Eldercare journey seemed to start in the middle. It didn’t start with a fall or a crisis. She just said she couldn’t make it to the Holiday Band Concert. And I was a little miffed.

Before you judge, you need to know that my mom LOVED band concerts. She loved watching her grandchildren perform and listening to the simplified versions of the “Sleigh Ride” and the theme to “Pirates of the Caribbean.” So not coming to the concert was kind of a big deal. And on the day she backed out of making the two hour drive to our house, I wasn’t worried. I was miffed.

The tricky part about life in the sandwich is sometimes you don’t recognize things as they are.

I can still see that day so clearly. I got off the phone with my mom. I was irritated that I was going to have to tell the kids she wasn’t coming and hoped they wouldn’t take it personally. And then… Life. Work. Dinner. Band pick up. Homework reminders. Laundry. You know, just a regular day. I’m embarrassed to admit it was several days before it occurred to me that this might be “a thing.” It wasn’t until the end of the week, after the successful completion of the Christmas Concerts and Holiday Parties that the conversation started nudging me.

What had she meant when she said she wasn’t up to it? She didn’t sound like she had a cough or cold. She didn’t seem to be feeling poorly when we chatted. Maybe she was tired. I mean, it is a two hour drive and I know sometimes she didn’t sleep well. But I had honestly thought she might change her mind by the end of the week. But when was that last time she made the two hour drive to our house? She had cancelled her plans to come over on Halloween. And she only stayed one day for the Apple Festival in September. And if I’m being honest, I hadn’t really had much time to call and chat. It had just been a really busy year! Two kids in college, job changes for Mark and for me. One kiddo in Jr. High. Church. Lot’s of fun volunteer work. It had been busy. Right?

I’m embarrassed to admit it was several days before it occurred to me that this might be “a thing.”

Three years earlier, when mom and I were trying to “convince” my aunt – my mom’s only sibling – to move into Assisted Living, I ended up Googling “how to talk to a cranky older person.” (Yes. That was my exact search. I love Google…) I found a Ted x Talk by eldercare expert Amy Cameron O’Rourke that changed my life. Truly. In it she says that one of the most difficult things for adult children to accept about their elderly parent is that “aging is a one way process.” I know, right? How terrifying. And how obvious.

All of a sudden those words just rang in my ears. I watched the video again. But this time I was looking for guidance for how to talk to my mom. How to listen and pay attention. For the third time in my life, I understood with clarity that someone I loved was in trouble.

I’m embarrassed that I was shocked. Through the lens of “aging as a one way process” I stopped being irritated that mom wasn’t acting like herself, and started paying attention to her “new” behaviors. I talked with my brothers and we compared notes. Every interaction became another clue, helping us discern if her words and actions were a bad day or a new normal. The bottom line was that mom was no longer our rock. She had become fragile when I wasn’t looking.

So what does that have to do with you? I am hoping that I can save you some time, trouble and heartache. I am hoping that if you are on the cusp of this new normal, or, better yet, if the whole idea of your parents getting older seems lightyears away, that this can be a place of learning and compassion. Because I’d love to help you start before I did and maybe save you from some pain.

So how about you? Is it possible that you are closer to the “middle” than you originally thought? Here are a few questions to consider:

Has an older family member that is “suddenly” cancelling plans?

Do they seem out of sorts or in a funk? Cranky or do they seem to have “lost” their filter?

Have you noticed they are “too tired” or make other excuses not to go out at night?

Are they skipping activities they used to enjoy?

Do you get frustrated because they are moving slowly?

Does it “take forever” to run errands or finish a project?

Do they seem insecure?

Lock all the doors and check them twice? Mention murders and mayhem they heard on the news?

Do they ask for confirmation (multiple times) about doctors appointments or lunch dates?

I invite you to look carefully and look at these behaviors and discern if there is a pattern, rather than a single occurrence. Examine if it’s possible that these frustrating new “habits” are actually ways that our elder is coping with fear, exhaustion, or memory loss. Consider the possibility that your parents might need more attention that you previously believed. And then… Breathe.

You can do this. Aging is a one way process for all of us. And you’re not alone.

With Love-

Christine